I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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