I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
