I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
