Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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