hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
