why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
