i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
the raccoons are back...
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