did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
