K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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