I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
