We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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