It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
BRING THE BAGELS
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
