Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
