Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
