I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
