I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
