Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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