i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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