I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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