I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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