i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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