I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
