i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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