ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
