if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
