I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Randomize
