just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
