so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
