Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
