Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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