She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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