Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
