Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
