You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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