So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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