Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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