Dual....:-)
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
