I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
