dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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