nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
