We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i now understand why vodka
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
