Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
