I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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