Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
