My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
