I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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