So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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