So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
