Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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