I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That's how pantless uber rides happen
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
