The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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