I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i believe in u and ur pee
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
